Five things my child will never do
In those heady days prior to parenthood, I had ample opportunity to ponder the future brilliance of my child-rearing skills.
Here is a selection of things I smugly assumed I would never allow my child to do:
1. Cover himself in Sudocrem when I wasn’t looking.
Honestly, how difficult is it to keep a small tub of nappy cream out of reach of curious fingers? Quite difficult, actually. Nay, impossible.
2. Fall into an ornamental pond three times in the space of half an hour.
Honestly, what sort of parent lets that happen? The sort of parent who is far too busy conducting a risk assessment of their immediate surroundings to intercept their toddler’s nosedive, thank you very much.
3. Introduce a cup of tepid, forgotten tea to its intended life partner, a cream coloured carpet in previously pristine condition in a rented house.
Honestly, who isn’t going to spot that potential hazard? Someone who is recovering from clearing the remains of the award-winning Worst Nappy of All Time. Pass the air freshener please.
4. Throw a series of tantrums, each more diabolical than the last, in a room full of strangers and their (angelic) children whilst demonstrating quite definitively how not to share.
Honestly, who’s going to be fooled by “I’m so sorry – he’s not normally like this”? Nobody.
5. Refuse all forms of vegetables, especially those most cleverly disguised, except for the odd kidney bean and the inside of tomatoes.
Honestly, what kind of parent can’t persuade their child to eat a nutritionally balanced meal? The kind who is falling asleep into the bolognese.
At least I can still be certain my child will never pick his nose in public. Ahem.
You can find out more about Heidi here: http://heidigee.blogspot.com